(Scorpio house: bathroom. Make up, hair products and paraphernalia, pantyhose, bras, padding, etc... are spread across every available surface.  Kevin takes in the array, clearly in despair.)

Kevin:  Lord have mercy on our souls! Whatever possessed you to agree to this?!

Mac:  For the last time, Felicia’s a walking question mark. I didn't have a choice.

Kevin:  But the Outback?! How are we going to pull this off at the Outback?! Anyone could come in there tonight. People I work with...

Mac:  Will you relax?

Kevin:  No. I don't think I will.

Mac:  All you’re doing is making this even harder. You’re the shrink. Why do you need me to tell you this?

Kevin:  Maybe I’m having a stupid day. Indulge me.

Mac:  When a thing is inevitable, you go with it. No point in trying to push back an avalanche. Roll with the punches. That’s the first rule of private investigation work.

Kevin:  Roll with it.

Mac:  Besides, you’re probably just experiencing an especially bad case of opening night jitters. It happens to actors all the time.

Kevin:  You’re an authority on this?

Mac:  It’s what I do. Remember?

Kevin:  You’re missing a very real point here, Mac. This may be somewhat the same as undercover work, except for one big difference. You’re usually not trying to pass yourself off as a woman! Look at your shoulders, for Pete’s sake!

Mac: ....Shave or wax?

(Kevin turns horrified eyes to Mac.)

Kevin:  Shave or wax what?!

Mac:  Our legs, of course.

Kevin:  Uh uh. You can forget that. (Mac gives him a look.) I won’t do it. And you can’t make me....

(Unimpressed, Mac turns to the tub, starts running water.)

(Mac’s legs are covered with shaving foam. Kevin watches, appalled, as Mac nicks himself for the zillionth time.)

Mac:  Ouch! Damn. This isn’t as easy as it looks.

Kevin:  Is it painful?

Mac:  You’ve got a razor. See for yourself.

Kevin:  In a minute. (beat)  I’ll bet waxing is painful. Especially... (shudders at the thought) ...bikini waxing. I’d kill anyone who tried to do that to me.

Mac:  I’m with you on that one, pal.

Kevin:  You have bony shins.

Mac:  I do not.

Kevin:  Yes, you do.

Mac:  No, I don’t.

Kevin:  I see them, Mac.

Mac:  Spare, maybe. But not bony. And you know...yours are no thing of beauty either, pal. What are you waiting for anyway? They’re not going to shave themselves.

Kevin:  In a minute.

Mac:  Ouch! I can’t believe women put themselves through this nonsense on a daily basis.

Kevin:  I know. I mean, who made up these rules? Take this barbaric routine, for example. Who decided there’s something wrong with hair? And why is it okay on the head and the eyelids, but not anywhere else?

Mac:  And why do woman shell out hard earned bucks to companies like Deception...buying bath gels, and powders...deodorizing this, perfuming that...when one of the basic instincts of any species is a mutual attraction to the natural smell of the other?

(Kevin looks dubious about that one.)

Kevin:  How natural?

Mac:  I’m not talking fresh out of the gym... Hey. You’re stalling. Get to work.

(Resigned, Kevin applies shaving cream to his legs. A beat, then he bites the bullet, takes a swipe at it.)

Kevin:  Ouch!

Mac:  You’re getting the hang of it.

(It’s time for make-up. Mac very carefully lines his eyelid, as fascinated Kevin leans in, trying to glean his technique. He bumps Mac’s elbow, causing his hand to slide off target.)

Mac:  You made me mess up!

Kevin:  Sorry.

Mac:  Now I’ve got to start all over.

Kevin:  Maybe not. (Hands Mac a Q-tip.) Sort of dab at the smudge.

(Mac tries it. It works.)

Mac:  Very good. Thanks, Kevin.

Kevin:  Sure. (He picks up a mascara wand, as Mac continues to carefully line his upper lid.) This is for eyelashes?

Mac:  Mm hmm...

Kevin:  The pencil is for eyebrows?

Mac:  Yep.

Kevin:  Do you have an explanation for this?

(Truly perplexed, Kevin picks up an eyelash curler, hands it to Mac. Equally mystified, Mac studies it.)

Mac:  I can’t even begin to guess.

Kevin:  There’s no way to be certain, but I’ll bet that....thing... bears a dangerous resemblance to a gynecological instrument.

(Mac drops it.)

Mac:  I don’t think we need it.

(Mac starts to apply eye liner underneath his eyes.)

Kevin:  What’s that you’re doing?

Mac:  I don’t know the name for it. But Felicia says if you line your eyes top and bottom, they look bigger. See the difference?

(They both peer at Mac’s reflection in the mirror – one eye lined top and bottom, the other unlined.)

Kevin:  Yes...I think I do. Fascinating, isn’t it? Kind of an art form, really.

Mac:  I wonder if I should extend the line past my eye...like they did in the 60’s? It’s risky. I’m either daring and trendy, or hopelessly retro. Which could be all right, too.  Depends on what’s hip.

Kevin:  Try not to sink into this too deeply, Mac.

Mac:  Hey, I’m a pro. When I take on a case, I jump in with both feet. (Beat) Which are usually not encased in heels... I’ll give you that. (Kevin starts to apply mascara) You don’t want to use too much of that stuff. You’re eyelashes are pretty long already.

Kevin:  According to Lucy, you have to apply a ton of make-up in order to look as if you’re not wearing any.

Mac:  What kind of logic is that?

Kevin:  Do I know?

Mac:  We’d better hurry. The party’s about to get underway.

(Mac and Kevin, in front of the mirror, in full drag.)

Kevin:  I can’t breathe.

Mac:  Still with the nerves?

Kevin:  No. I think you wrapped my sari too tight.

Mac:  You’ll get used to it. Look at me. I’m a knockout.

Kevin:  You did a really nice job on your eyes.

Mac:  Thanks. Your cheekbones look great. You’ll have to teach me that contour thing.

Kevin:  Oh God, Mac. I think I’m about to have my first full blown panic attack.

Mac:  I’m not Mac. I’m Eve. And you’re Norma. Starting...now.

Mac/Eve:  Allow me.

Kevin/Norma: Thank you ever so much, my dear.

(And they embark on their high heeled adventure.)

Maia:  Norma St. John Pawha, finally we meet.

Kevin/Norma:  This is my assistant, Eve Gormley.

Maia:  Welcome, Eve.

Mac/Eve:  This is all very exciting, isn’t it?

Maia:  I think so.

(Maia seems to be peering at Kevin closely. He tries to pretend his heart hasn’t stopped.)

Kevin/Norma:  Oh, my. What is it? Lipstick on my teeth?

Maia:  Forgive me for staring. It’s just that I’m such a fan. I adored your book. Having you as a participant in of my seminar is an honor of the highest order.

Kevin/Norma:  You’re much too kind.

Maia:  I’m most interested in discussing your theories on the paranormal. Now wouldn’t be the time of course....

Mac/Eve:  I’d be happy to schedule something...

(Lucy moves up. Kevin and Mac try to avert their faces.)

Lucy:  Hello. New arrivals?

Maia:  Lucy, dear... I'd like you to meet Eve Gromley...and Norma St. John Pawha, the highly respected authoress and lecturer I was telling you about. Ladies, meet Lucy Coe.

(Thrilled, Lucy turns her attention to Kevin. He manages a weak smile.)

Kevin/Norma:  A pleasure to meet you.

(Lucy stares. Mac throws Kevin a glance. Kevin manages a benign facade. Neither of them breathe. Finally...)

Lucy:  Oh, who are you kidding?

(On Kevin and Mac – busted?)
 
 

Transcribed by TammyR.